A Full Moon

By Pam Hadder

The moon was full a few nights ago - I was driving down the highway and it lay ahead of me, resting on the dusky horizon like an immense, glowing, orange egg.  Gazing at it with wonder and humility, and feeling particularly small and yet honored by this audience, I half-expected something supernatural to happen - like a giant cosmic butterfly emerging from that glorious pod, or a crackling of meteorite fireworks across the sky vault!  That spectacular sight has defined my final hours of 2012 - I am thankful that I can replay the video clip in my mind, because my iPhone camera certainly had no hope of capturing the moon's incredible beauty.  I didn't even try - it was crazy, amazing; gorgeous - a living dream.

The moon was still large and silver-bright this morning when my dual-alarms woke me from a heavy sleep - albeit with some wear on her right cheek, like some amorous giant besmirched  her flawless beauty with clumsy maneuvering.  In the midst of great busy-ness and commotion that makes up a typical day, I have been meditating upon that great and glorious pearl in the sky and wondering about 2013 and what this new year will bring.

Typically, as the year wraps up, a word comes to me that serves as my guide, my mantra, my focus for the year ahead.  This year has been so full, so over-run with words, emotion, art, activity, and I find myself serene, hovering in the centre of a maelstrom, but without a word of my own.  Perhaps the message is in the sky, in the moon, in her strength and unparalleled beauty. She who we take for granted, grows full, wanes and rises anew with new brilliance - She who pulls the great oceans of the Earth, mastering the tides and affecting the patterns of life.

Ah, there it is - the word, hidden in the shadow of a moonbeam - ATTUNEMENT. The meaning is immediately understood.  Attunement is about stopping to break away from man-made patterns and connecting to the natural rhythmic ways which we take for granted but which are essential to our lives.

Here at midday, I feel the cool white slip of the moon across my skin; up my shoulder, to my face - the gentle, guiding touch of a Mother's soft hand.  She is affirming my choice as I look skyward to the arrival of the new year.

kd-lightful!!!

By  Pam Hadder

There may be many times that life disappoints us a little - part of it is our own expectation and/or our response to circumstances.  Then every once in a while, we literally live our dreams - the kind of magical times when you slide into this slipstream of ease, where it all goes so smoothly, the colours are pure and bright, your senses are attuned to razor-sharpness, and you feel simply invincible! And, if you are like me, you are afraid to exhale in case the bubble bursts!  (lol!)

Front row and centre stage for k.d .Lang's recent concert at Winnipeg's legendary Pantages Theatre was one of those moments.  I have been privileged to see k.d. Lang live before, and each time has been excellent, stellar, breathtaking.  I had some momentary regrets that I didn't take more photos, but face to face with a legend, it didn't seem right - I wanted to soak up every syllable of sound, every visual clip.

k.d. Lang is unique not only in her talent - charisma, vocal range, perfect pitch, musicianship - but she also gives 150% out there; it's really something special to experience her fusion of passion and music in live performance.  I have to admit, when I snapped up my VIP Nation tix, I was concerned - a previous VIP concert in California was a bit of a downer - my friend had treated me to this luxe event for my birthday, and we did not receive what was promised, and (unwittingly) paid for (at least!) FOUR tickets!

But VIP Nation was fabulous - our host, Hugo, was warm and welcoming, and proved to be as cool as his name (Hugo is one cool name, don't you agree?).   There were so many highlights, and I can play that concert in my mind, from my exceptional vantage point and it feels like it was a private concert - just for me. How great is that?  One especially memorable part was hearing Big Boned Gal while a gaggle of middle-aged babes grooved in the makeshift mosh pit - on the third (yes, THIRD!) encore - I mean, who does that any more?  Coincidentally, I had been enjoying listening to some older Lang albums this summer, and Absolute Torch & Twang is a def my nostalgic love child!

After the show, my friend and I got to attend a meet and greet with k.d.  I presented Ms. Lang with FemFest 2012 t-shirts for her and the guys, and we each got guitar picks from her and had two items autographed.  For me it was my songbird scarf (a natural choice to have your fav songbird sign your fav scarf!), and my beloved FolkFest patchwork purse.  We got our picture taken with k.d., and we will receive a link to download the pic from VIP Nation/Live Nation in a day or two (do you smell an update coming....)??? Gracious and friendly, she puts you at ease, and yet is focused and exacting - even with autographing and "small talk" - years of practice, and learning from mistakes, I suppose.  She is kind with even the more obnoxious requests - like the dippy couple in their 60s with a garage sale guitar, covered in maple leaves..."Well, they'll know where you're from..."

The cherries on my vegan cupcake were k.d. telling me "I like your hair!", and getting a big hug from her.  How does it feel to hug k.d.?- well, pretty damn fine... she's about my height (5' 5" - 5'6"), she's fit and when she hugged me  it was like when football players do that celebratory chest bump! Kaboom - before I knew it, it was over and I was asking, did that just happen?  lol  She's about a size 12 or 14 - so I don't get why people go on about her weight etc. She looks fantastic, has gorgeous, youthful skin - and, surprise, she's not 20 years old anymore!  She does not smell like incense, or rose petals or cookies - k.d. is odourless.

What's next? A self-professed "slut for k.d. luxury", I  want to inquire about Sha-Lang-grila time shares...omg, YES!!!

Cowgirl Zen

By Pam Hadder

No one has a path without obstacles, disappointments, pain and hardship -and sometimes, if you face the world smiling, people assume that you have it easy.  They may even hate you for it and may work damned hard to wipe that little smile off your face.

And these aren't monsters or criminals coming at your heart and soul with bombs and daggers- it's all of the regular folks you are surrounded by and that you interact with while doing all those mundane life tasks, attacking you with words and little subversive actions: maybe it's your family, work mates, neighbours, acquaintances...

You know what I'm talking about and maybe you've been part of the problem - impatience, inconsiderate behaviours, snide little remarks, back-handed compliments; things you think won't think will get back to the person - or maybe you secretly harbour a little snippet of hope that those darts will hit their mark? I have experienced this strange backlash many times in my working and personal life - sometimes it comes all in a bundle and I will joke about wearing my "weirdo magnet!"  I can't explain meanness - who can?  But maybe efforts at kindness and decency are read as Pollyanna-style idealism; or maybe happy folks are seen as a mark, a dupe to be exploited?  Think about it - what makes people want to bash Barney the Dinosaur, for goodness sake (remember, Barney was created for little toddlers, not adults).  Why does the general public constantly look for ways to denigrate celebrities, politicians and other public figures? Why is there always this need to target someone and bring them to their knees?  For what purpose?

Who knows, but another side to the "bash the optimist" phenomenon is that there is something peculiar and dark about our culture that likes to seek out the dirt; to crush successes and joy, and to focus on the negative  - in fact, there is great energy expended to create negatives where none existed; to seed and nurture and grow darkness! How many times have you seen Canadian performers celebrated around the world but ridiculed at home?  Celine Dion and Justin Bieber come to mind. You may not like their music or style, but can't you appreciate their mega successes and be happy for them; be inspired by them?

Personally, I am encouraged and delighted when people are successful, happy and living within their ideals - whatever those may be - it gives me hope.  I also can appreciate that it takes tremendous focus and discipline and persistence to be true to your dreams, and to remain positive in an environment that is increasingly focused on the negative.  Happiness is a choice - but it's not an easy choice.  Sometimes its really hard to find a little nugget of goodness to hang on to.

I have occasionally cursed my buoyant optimism - because 99% of the time, I wake up happy and eager to greet the day, do my best; try and try again - and many times I hit the hard wall (or floor!) of soul-crushing resistance.  Because, the world is not kind to optimists, to peaceniks, to artists, and to dreamers. Being an optimist is NOT an easy choice - you will be labelled as unrealistic, daft, blind to reality etc.  But the reality is - my reality; my personal reality is very much a choice, a carefully crafted construct - and most of the time, the goodness wins out over all of the detractors, because I do not allow them to have power over my time, my choices, my reality.

We all know there is too much hatred, paranoia, cruelty, violence, propaganda, ignorance, poverty, unfairness, injustice, bigotry, racism, bullying, sexism, ageism, religiosity, intolerance, radicalism, and reactivity.  It's pretty easy to destroy things, to bitch, to criticize; to dismantle - but  to create,  to balance,  to remain calm, to think of gentle solutions - these take courage; a soft, subtle strength that endures much, but is often unacknowledged and under-appreciated. I imagine myself, at this moment, writing down all of those ugly words, I am out at my favourite camp site, and I am dropping them into my camp fire - I watch them blacken and see them turn to orange sparks and  bits of grey ash, rising up into the night sky; purified by the stars' eternal beauty.  It feels good to imagine that - like adding some bleach to the dirtiest laundry you can imagine ;)

So who am I  to prat on about this?  Just a person who gives a damn, some zen-minded cowgirl, trying to do her best with what she was given. I really think the Dalai Lama said it best: "My religion is kindness."

Shimmy and Roll!

By Pam Hadder

Ok, I admit it, I am grieving summer like a mother bird who's watching her last chick take flight.  And to comfort myself, I am thinking of the past months and all of the little joys and pleasures I have been so fortunate to enjoy.

At one point in my life - I'd been laid off from my dream job and was making a go of it for a good, but low-on-personal-fulfillment employer - and I used to keep a small notebook handy: a gratitude journal. Everyday, in the stark lunchroom, on my own; feeling orphaned and hopeless, I would religiously list everything I was grateful for.  Like a mantra, some of the entries were redundant and repetitious, but it was more socially acceptable than rocking in a corner and gnawing on my nails! It was comforting and kept my mood up in spite of the bland, sensory deprivation I was experiencing.

So, now I'm in a much better place, I have so much autonomy and so much opportunity, but it's still the little things that make my day - the little gems, the glimpses, the subtle richness of life. My list is an oddball mix (like the author) - experiences, tastes, textures and products too.  But what ties it all together is appreciation.  More and more I recognize and acknowledge that  I have been blessed and that awareness of goodness on my path is in itself a great beam of providence, shining down on my unworthy head.  So here's the list...

Sunsets - have they been more spectacular lately, or am I just more in tune?

Avocados - one should always have two: one ready to eat, and one just about ripe.  So good for you too, so that's just a bonus!

Brow powder - "brow powder?" you say? Yes - consider life without eye brows, they frame the eyes for goodness sake!  And the powder gives a much more natural enhancement vs. pencil.

Music and guitar - my teacher was so right when he said, "...just strum that guitar and enjoy the sound and the vibrations against your rib cage" - a little slice of heaven, when the sound is just right!

Frank's Red Hot Sauce.... omg, where were you earlier in my life, Frank?  That stuff is just so fan-freakin-tasty!!!!  Really love it on tofu stir fry and my curried chick peas... nom... nom...

Aveda Madder Root hair conditioner - keeps the fire in my reddish locks :)

Friends - my Dad always said I'd be lucky if I had one or two true friends in life - you know who they are... the ones who don't try to tell you what to do; to change you.  They would be disappointed if you weren't you - and when you see them, it's like no time has passed, even if it's been years.  They seem to know when you need a hug and they are your champion, cheering you on with every lame-brained idea you have and every crazy obstacle you tackle.

The list goes on and on... but you get the idea.  And the friends, well, they are the constant throughout all of the tasting, trying, failing, laughing, swearing, crying, sleeping, waking, sharing, caring, failing again, falling, singing, rising, being, and loving.

Learning Curves

By Pam Hadder


Like one tiny puff of cloud in an otherwise empty sky, our ideas and dreams are born, and we witness them grow and change, or perhaps dissipate,  unacknowledged.  With music, sometimes there is a riff that comes to us and ingratiates itself -- hinting or even demanding that we give it some attention. As with any creative gift, we need to pay heed or risk losing the opportunity.

Poetry, lyrics, painting, and even work-based solutions all can be experienced in this way - have you ever sat in a brain storming session of any kind and it felt was impossible; a complete waste of time - coffee growing colder; you can hear the stomach gurgles and eyelid blinks?

Although I have always known that creativity can't be forced -- my life repeatedly affirms this theory! Humankind imagines that it is very clever, and, granted, we are all moderately so.  But what I have learned, and what continues to be reinforced for me, is that these tiny inspirations and seemingly silly notions are a great gift.  Our task is to attune ourselves to them, and take them and apply them - the universe is nudging us to write our prose, capture the imagery or add lyrics to the melody.  And... this is not hard work or torture - we need only submit ourselves with openness to the possibilities; it's as natural to us all as breathing.

Of course, there are so many things we can't control - and that can be a scary thought.  However, what we can control is our environment and how we respond to it - the climate for productivity differs for each of us, and we need to explore and be comfortable with our own unique situation.  Have you known people who can never be alone or in complete silence?  There is nothing wrong with that; perhaps it's torture for them!  Or those that need complete silence to "think" - every pin-drop is like a ogre's heavy foot step?  Most of us are likely somewhere in between; or we vacillate between needs for stimulation and repose.

Most of all, regardless of our ideals for living, we need to be open - open to newness, to previously unseen possibilities, to learning; to stepping outside our carefully constructed boundaries.

Why not take those little clouds and shape them with your time and talent.

For Love...

By Pam Hadder


This year I gave myself the ultimate birthday gift - I attended a folk music retreat organized by the Winnipeg Folk Festival.


Open to all ages and levels of musicianship, the four day experience was a dream come true.  The mentors were Abigail Washburn (banjo and vocals), Kai Welch (guitar, keyboards, song writing and more!), Martyn Joseph (guitar, song writing) and the amazingly talented, Willy Porter (guitar, song writing and vocals).  


Doing this was a real push out of the comfort zone for me - I am an introvert for whom "being on" and taking the first step with groups of people is terrifying and exhausting, to say the least!  And I really didn't know what to expect from the retreat - I mean, was I worthy to be among these talented professionals? 


I knew that many areas were of interest to me: song writing, vocals, guitar and having the opportunity to interact and learn from other musicians. What I didn't know was how it would all go down - or if I would be totally out of my league!  The great news is that it was wonderful and a complete affirmation of my love of music.


By far, the highlight was succeeding in writing lyrics and music to my very first original song - it's a whole new level of passion when you create something and sing/play it from your heart (a big WOW!).  It was the most indescribable, humbling and exciting experience to interact with and receive guidance and encouragement from respected professionals - the grace, talent, enthusiasm and generosity of Abigail, Kai, Martyn and Willy was consistent and true. They each gave fully and honestly throughout the retreat -- both in performance and in mentorship.


Abigail: you encouraged me to push my voice to max volume, and hey, you were right - it's powerful and it won't break!  You were also so joyful, intelligent and passionate about life, music and people; you have redefined love, life and beauty for me. Yeah  - it's a very big deal :)


Kai: you could see my shyness and coaxed me into the spotlight; your feedback and encouragement with vocals, guitar technique, and my first song lyrics meant so much - I didn't know where to start with song writing,and now I can't stop! It's like this back log of musical expression is bursting out of me - and it's so much fun and so energizing to let it loose!


Martyn:  you showed me that even experienced performers can be painfully shy, and yet they can work within that and be successful, and you taught me that you don't have to be a highly proficient musician to write songs - you just have to get started. And... you made me look at Bruce Springsteen with appreciation - who could have guessed that was possible?


Willy: you are supernatural - and I am so glad that I was able to tell you that and to experience your beautiful spirit and positivity!  Your recorded music doesn't capture your amazing talent - what a treat to know you and to hear you perform in an intimate setting, and your feedback and suggestions for my song writing were so appreciated.


Highlights of the folk retreat were overcoming my shyness and writing my first song.  The down moments were minor (and kind of laughable in hindsight), and any bummer moments  ended up being eclipsed by the good stuff.  (Some of the young ladies were very high-school clique-ish.  And one or two of these kicked that up a notch and were simply stage whores... it was all about them... so that sucked for the band sessions where you need to feel a little "we"!)


So...yeah, I felt a bit robbed with the band sessions, because I was partnered up with these self-absorbed chickies...But it turned out to be not a big deal, because the over all experience was so fantastic!  Most of the other participants were wonderfully cool, friendly and eager to connect and share.


I've exchanged contact info with several of the people I met an hopefully some of the good musical connections will take root and I will have some regular folkie jamming to look forward to - so far I have one invite; it's a start!  If not, I know that with time, persistence and just by being consistently "true to me", I will be nudged to where I need to be musically and personally.


It feels a bit like losing your training wheels on a bicycle... I am proud of what I have achieved, I am excited to be riding fast and free with renewed purpose...and I just have this great optimism and joy - it feels amazing to be open to newness and moving forward!

Flying!

Feels so damn good to commit words to a page simply for the love of expression, connection and sharing!  


Winter was a blur - business, academic, and personal demands: the overwhelming vibe was one of being slightly sedated and rolling awkwardly in slo mo, head over heels; mouth agape in wonder -- except for those powerful earth-bound moments when I was able to touch and be touched, to smile into the eyes of an understanding soul, and to explore the ephemeral continent of the spirit we call creativity. My champions, my angels -- gratitude is too small a word to capture your influence!


And quite frankly... well I wouldn't change a thing -- it was time for the push, it was time for pressure.  Sedated, rolling, floating -- whatever!  I survived, I am surviving; I have arrived and I am arriving. 


Life, like live music, occurs in real time - there is no opportunity to roll back and edit. It requires acceptance, but also provides the extraordinary boundless vista for us to create, establish; to thrive on our optimal terms. Like it or not, we are all flying by the seat of our pants, doing the best we can in this one moment we are given, and if we are lucky (or perhaps not lucky???), we will be renewed to experience another moment, and another.


I am officially taking the summer "off" from my studies (I have this in quotes, because, my ever-curious mind is never off duty!), but I am excited to have the privilege to focus on my physical health goals and also on my love of music. 

And oh, those rows of new canvasses stacked up at the studio...  I am painting them in my mind - plotting, assessing; loving their infantile purity; metaphysical secrets are hovering above their stark surfaces like wind over the grass, and will be realized in paint when the moment is right.

Tough Choices

By Pam Hadder
Choice - it is a word brimming with tension, controversy and optimistic anticipation. It makes our heart perk up a bit when we are given a choice, but the initial excitement can be dampened by "what if." What if we choose this over that; what if we make the wrong choice?


Each choice "cocktail" is hounded by potentially nasty chaser words like commitment and regret, often because we tend to weigh and measure our choices using systems owned by other people in our lives - both intimate personal connections and more distant, societal ties. Choice can mean freedom and affirmation of our dearest life values, or it can be muddied by the recriminations and disapproval of others who may not support our selections.


We've all heard those words, "Choose wisely!" And for those of you with families, you may have employed the choice trap with your kids - that is, offering up two or more choices to your little ones, with the clever trick being that all choices align with your parental master plan! So, let's face it, choosing is fraught with pot holes and petunias - an exasperating, joyful tug of war with fear and glory!


But we still all make choices every day - the little ones that seem inconsequential, and the big ones that we may have stewed over for days, months or years before finally succumbing - too often, out of pure exhaustion. So how can be offload the garbage, the guilt, the doubt and simply enjoy the freedom of having options in life?


Choose for YOU - trust your heart; your instinct. At the end of the day, all you have is you. The only action you can truly control is your own. Choose for you, and every choice will impart personal harmony and, over time, wisdom.

Settling...

Settling - it can mean a gradual, undramatic coming to position, like dust gently travelling down a beam of light. It can also mean accepting less than what you

really want, and it can mean to find your place in a comfortable, harmonious way: like a "settling in for a long winter's nap" kind of goodness! As I juggle various interests, passions, demands, dreams, aspirations and possibilities all within the daily time constraints, I find myself considering and re-considering the idea of settling.

Yesterday, I had one of those red letter energy days, but with a difference - I felt like the day was driving me, versus me being the master of the golden chariot! It was a double birthday in my home - my oldest daughter and her daddy share the same birth date. And birthdays for my kids mean Belgian waffles with whipped cream and fruit, and some other traditions, such as a pot latch of presents and a family dinner. All good stuff, but at 4:30 p.m., I was dressed for dinner at a local restaurant and suddenly it hit me - game over.

I felt this general unease envelop me, a low level anxiety and feeling of malaise that I could not quite pin point, nor fully analyze. "Am I dying? Is this it? What should I do? What if I drop in front of my eleven-year old son who worships his Mumma?" There was some intermittent pain, in my diaphragm and to the right side of my upper rib cage, and a weird sensation in my left ear - a slight buzz, maybe?

Regret over missed work outs and junk food forays came to mind next, in those brief moments where I tried to feel my heart through my sweater and evaluate if my breathing was normal - why couldn't I always make the right choice, the perfect choice? Maybe I deserve to die. Was this what indigestion feels like - like a big air bubble in your heart that could pop at any minute? Or is this what it feels like to expire, heart stuttering to an exhausted stop, without fulfilling your destiny? OR... is this uninspiring, mediocre life exit in itself - is THIS the lesson?

Well, it appears that whatever that was, I am here - likely an anxiety attack, launched from within without conscious awareness of the onset or possible triggers. It was another silent battle that I fought and won (for the moment) while life's festivities carried on, Mardi Gras style.

And what comes next? Settling. Settling into a place of comfort, harmony and purpose - settling with action in place to carry me forward. Painting, writing, music, laughter, art, people, animals, nature, food, and love, love, love, love, LOVE. All worthy of living for, all worthy of settling into.

And the Word is...

We made it! The passing of one year and the birth of the next - for some, a joyful passage; a celebration, and for others it was somewhat wistful, or coloured by complex, mixed emotions.

Whatever your experience, the ability lies within each of us to make the most of the time we have, using our unique gifts and interests, and with the intention set to enjoy what we do on our terms.

As 2011 wrapped up, I was filled with a sense of refined anticipation - not the wild enthusiasm of child, but more a knowing, well-arranged prescience of many good things to come. This feeling was paired with a sense of stepping out in faith toward goals and yearnings, but with the knowledge of imminent success - thus, without fear or anxiety, knowing the safety net was in place and secure.

After a couple of years of uncertainty and turbulence, there is a gentle settling of matters - this has eased up to me so gently and slowly, and yet with persistent progress. With each step forward, I was looking back over my shoulder - should I trust this promise of peace, prosperity and affirmation of purpose?

Well, why not? Why not trust in instinct for good, for abundance and for personal fulfilment? I am going to go with it, and stifle any anxiety with celebration. Like icy champagne exploding from its vessel and bubbling over into the expectant air - that is my vision for 2012. And so, at long last my muse, my meditation - the word is EBULLIENCE, and this year is rich with predestined accord and promise. Capture it, taste it, savour it - it is your birth right.