Settling...

Settling - it can mean a gradual, undramatic coming to position, like dust gently travelling down a beam of light. It can also mean accepting less than what you

really want, and it can mean to find your place in a comfortable, harmonious way: like a "settling in for a long winter's nap" kind of goodness! As I juggle various interests, passions, demands, dreams, aspirations and possibilities all within the daily time constraints, I find myself considering and re-considering the idea of settling.

Yesterday, I had one of those red letter energy days, but with a difference - I felt like the day was driving me, versus me being the master of the golden chariot! It was a double birthday in my home - my oldest daughter and her daddy share the same birth date. And birthdays for my kids mean Belgian waffles with whipped cream and fruit, and some other traditions, such as a pot latch of presents and a family dinner. All good stuff, but at 4:30 p.m., I was dressed for dinner at a local restaurant and suddenly it hit me - game over.

I felt this general unease envelop me, a low level anxiety and feeling of malaise that I could not quite pin point, nor fully analyze. "Am I dying? Is this it? What should I do? What if I drop in front of my eleven-year old son who worships his Mumma?" There was some intermittent pain, in my diaphragm and to the right side of my upper rib cage, and a weird sensation in my left ear - a slight buzz, maybe?

Regret over missed work outs and junk food forays came to mind next, in those brief moments where I tried to feel my heart through my sweater and evaluate if my breathing was normal - why couldn't I always make the right choice, the perfect choice? Maybe I deserve to die. Was this what indigestion feels like - like a big air bubble in your heart that could pop at any minute? Or is this what it feels like to expire, heart stuttering to an exhausted stop, without fulfilling your destiny? OR... is this uninspiring, mediocre life exit in itself - is THIS the lesson?

Well, it appears that whatever that was, I am here - likely an anxiety attack, launched from within without conscious awareness of the onset or possible triggers. It was another silent battle that I fought and won (for the moment) while life's festivities carried on, Mardi Gras style.

And what comes next? Settling. Settling into a place of comfort, harmony and purpose - settling with action in place to carry me forward. Painting, writing, music, laughter, art, people, animals, nature, food, and love, love, love, love, LOVE. All worthy of living for, all worthy of settling into.

20 Reasons I Suck

You might as well know it - I am the original all-day sucker! Yeah, for starters, I generally wake up all bright and shiny and absolutely oblivious to the licking I am going to get each day!

Some days I just let all the drivel and drool roll down my slightly rounded shoulders - ah, the beauty of my design; form following function; blah, blah, blah.

To add to my plight, I am one of those 70s suckers with the Happy Face on it - it goes through all of the layers of my composition, so there is no escaping that daffy grin.

Today I just was ready to get in my car, drive it 'til the gas was gone and then start walking, like Forrest Gump. No beard to grow, but in time I am sure the shins would get some impressive fuzz happenin'.

I just feel like I am forever hitting the wall, missing the mark and failing at everything and with everyone I know - and then I have this stupid happy, chirpy thing going on, like a car with something shaking loose under the hood that no one can quite figure out, and even if I am dying, crying, melting, screaming, absolutely tortured half outta my mind, no one seems to notice anything but how stupid and incomplete and wrong I am. They just count on Sweet 'n Smiley to keep haulin' ass - right in the opposite direction.

So today I needed to get away and reflect on my situation. What if I just disappeared, what would happen? A few tears - dutiful ones from the adult daughters who really don't know what to make of their Momma. Real ones from my Son, who loves routine and I think really loves The Big Sucker a.k.a. His Mother. More dutiful tears from a handful of close friends - but in private they'd say, "Knew she was different..." And of course my own tears (I started early, btw... and told myself I was just practicing!) - my tears at being born such a big sucker! That would be about it and life goes on. Hardly worth my effort to disappear.

Bottom line - I am different, awkward, broken up a bit; that odd coloured sucker that someone buys because it is marked down and they are short on cash. I have never been quite the right Lolly for the job - too young, too old, too fat, too stupid, too shy, too loud, too religious, not religious enough, too geeky, too wordy, too dutiful, too ugly, too short, too tall, too many questions, too punctual, too white, too curious, too happy -- yes, way too happy and world really doesn't like happy because it creates tension; stretchy, smiley tension.

So I guess I will be sticking around, smiling (no choice, remember?). And that's at least 21 reasons - my rough count. Did I count wrong? Oh, sorry...

The Significance of SHE

I consider myself very fortunate to have had a loving Mother. I think of all of the little things she did for me as a kid, and how she continues to support me as an adult.

I have six siblings, so Mom was always "way beyond busy" keeping us all fed, watered and clothed - I get freaked out when I realize now that this ate up the majority of her waking hours, seven days a week, 365 days a year from the age of 23 until her late 40s.

So, don't ever underestimate the fortitude and strength of a woman, or a mother - 'nuff said! Despite a heavy schedule of parental obligation, my Mom still made time for extracurricular interests. She participated in women's groups, committees, sports and so on -- she also sang in the church choir, taught Sunday school, and led the Junior Choir for many of my childhood years. I remember how she would serve us all at mealtimes and would sometimes be eating standing up! I used to like it when she would finally sit down after dinner and she'd ask me to scratch her back or brush her hair - funny, how this family rituals evolve! We'd joke about grooming each other like monkeys...

All of the little details mean so much more when added up over time - Mom paid attention and took care of all of the little details. These are the things that make life special; both as a kid and as an adult - the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae. These are also the things that give us hope on a less-than perfect day and inspire personal creativity.

I recall how Mom would let us each pick what kind of birthday cake we wanted (home-baked, of course), and we would be "consulted" on the colour of the icing. Chiffon cakes were the trend in the 70s, so it was lemon chiffon, chocolate chiffon, poppy seed chiffon, orange chiffon, and so on... I remember choosing blue icing one time, and thinking..."Will she really make it BLUE?" (Yes, she did, and it was a luscious, improbable, kid-pleasing turquoise blue!).

I also got to pick my bedroom paint, wall paper and bedding at about age 8 or 9 - I chose some kinda crazy wall paper with these bobble-headed wedding party figures on it, and she thought that was just fine! (I LOVE my Momma!!!)

As an adult, there was a time when I left a horribly abusive work situation at great financial risk - I was sick with worry, having depleted my meager savings; I was wondering how I would feed my kids and desperately looking for work. I couldn't talk about it to anyone, and was beating myself up about my choices - in particular, for sticking it out at this particular sales position.

I hadn't said anything to anyone, I was so ashamed and felt like a total failure. Then, Mom showed up one evening with several bags of groceries: fruit, vegetables, milk, eggs, bread and other wonderful things, including treats for my little girls: it was like a living angel had heard my prayer and come to my door.

Thanks to my Mother, I lost my cloak of despair and was able to move on to a much better, salaried position in a matter of days. To this day, even when I am broke and nothing seems to be going right, I never feel poor and I never hesitate to give and to share what I have.