That Happy Thing :)

by Pam Hadder

We hear a lot about HAPPY - not necessarily in a direct way... But all of the complaining, self-absorption, dialogue about sex, sensation, shopping, acquiring etc. it's really about what makes us happy; why it's hard to be happy; that possibility that happy is just a metaphysical illusion; all that gobbledygook about the funny chemicals in our bodies that give us that euphoric sensation, and so on. Happy shouldn't be so complicated, should it?  Or at least that is what my gut tells me. My gut also tells me that we shouldn't have to analyse the crap out of happy, we should just "be" and enjoy what comes naturally (smart gut - not always such a smart person, however lol!).  

The daily actions of human survival require interacting with others, and this tends to complicate the happy equation.  I can only speak for myself - I am at heart an introvert, but yet I delight in people and our diversity. I recognize that I cherish and I am inspired by those small, special bursts of light when I enjoy loving, refined, joyous aspects of human connection. You should know that it takes tremendous effort and personal energy for me to step outside of my hard shell and extend myself to others - to make the first move - it's hard work for me; a constant tug-o-war.  Even when I do it - smile, make small talk and so on, my resolutely sequestered inner self monitors it all warily with a dash of mocking cynicism: "What exactly are you playing at, Pami?" And yet, I am not truly happy unless I can interact on a personal, human level, so I continue to nudge against the walls of my perennial awkwardness - striving for that authentic moment that brings me closer to HAPPY.

When I consider the effects of technology on folks like me, it really is a double-edged sword - we have this virtual vista, a means of extending ourselves to make connections with like-minded others, or to discover new ways of looking at life and the world.  On the other side, technology cannot replace looking into another person's face, a shared laugh, or just being together and appreciating an experience - such as nature/scenery, music, art, great food and so on.

And, of course, there is the aspect of the personal cultivation of happiness - I believe that HAPPY truly starts within us - introvert or extrovert, we need to nourish this little seed, to propagate the happy self possibility. And when we choose to be happy, to see the positive, to take a chance, to hope for the best in all things, we all know that we open our tender hearts for great darkness: rejection, for negativity, for all kinds of backlash. Happy is not for the feint of heart - no wonder we get pushed off the happy trail sometimes! 

I think the trick is just to choose happy regardless, and to not take the naysayers and bashers (and so on...) personally.  Choose happy because it feels right and it energizes you, and it puts you in the best position to enjoy all that life offers.

Cowgirl Zen

By Pam Hadder

No one has a path without obstacles, disappointments, pain and hardship -and sometimes, if you face the world smiling, people assume that you have it easy.  They may even hate you for it and may work damned hard to wipe that little smile off your face.

And these aren't monsters or criminals coming at your heart and soul with bombs and daggers- it's all of the regular folks you are surrounded by and that you interact with while doing all those mundane life tasks, attacking you with words and little subversive actions: maybe it's your family, work mates, neighbours, acquaintances...

You know what I'm talking about and maybe you've been part of the problem - impatience, inconsiderate behaviours, snide little remarks, back-handed compliments; things you think won't think will get back to the person - or maybe you secretly harbour a little snippet of hope that those darts will hit their mark? I have experienced this strange backlash many times in my working and personal life - sometimes it comes all in a bundle and I will joke about wearing my "weirdo magnet!"  I can't explain meanness - who can?  But maybe efforts at kindness and decency are read as Pollyanna-style idealism; or maybe happy folks are seen as a mark, a dupe to be exploited?  Think about it - what makes people want to bash Barney the Dinosaur, for goodness sake (remember, Barney was created for little toddlers, not adults).  Why does the general public constantly look for ways to denigrate celebrities, politicians and other public figures? Why is there always this need to target someone and bring them to their knees?  For what purpose?

Who knows, but another side to the "bash the optimist" phenomenon is that there is something peculiar and dark about our culture that likes to seek out the dirt; to crush successes and joy, and to focus on the negative  - in fact, there is great energy expended to create negatives where none existed; to seed and nurture and grow darkness! How many times have you seen Canadian performers celebrated around the world but ridiculed at home?  Celine Dion and Justin Bieber come to mind. You may not like their music or style, but can't you appreciate their mega successes and be happy for them; be inspired by them?

Personally, I am encouraged and delighted when people are successful, happy and living within their ideals - whatever those may be - it gives me hope.  I also can appreciate that it takes tremendous focus and discipline and persistence to be true to your dreams, and to remain positive in an environment that is increasingly focused on the negative.  Happiness is a choice - but it's not an easy choice.  Sometimes its really hard to find a little nugget of goodness to hang on to.

I have occasionally cursed my buoyant optimism - because 99% of the time, I wake up happy and eager to greet the day, do my best; try and try again - and many times I hit the hard wall (or floor!) of soul-crushing resistance.  Because, the world is not kind to optimists, to peaceniks, to artists, and to dreamers. Being an optimist is NOT an easy choice - you will be labelled as unrealistic, daft, blind to reality etc.  But the reality is - my reality; my personal reality is very much a choice, a carefully crafted construct - and most of the time, the goodness wins out over all of the detractors, because I do not allow them to have power over my time, my choices, my reality.

We all know there is too much hatred, paranoia, cruelty, violence, propaganda, ignorance, poverty, unfairness, injustice, bigotry, racism, bullying, sexism, ageism, religiosity, intolerance, radicalism, and reactivity.  It's pretty easy to destroy things, to bitch, to criticize; to dismantle - but  to create,  to balance,  to remain calm, to think of gentle solutions - these take courage; a soft, subtle strength that endures much, but is often unacknowledged and under-appreciated. I imagine myself, at this moment, writing down all of those ugly words, I am out at my favourite camp site, and I am dropping them into my camp fire - I watch them blacken and see them turn to orange sparks and  bits of grey ash, rising up into the night sky; purified by the stars' eternal beauty.  It feels good to imagine that - like adding some bleach to the dirtiest laundry you can imagine ;)

So who am I  to prat on about this?  Just a person who gives a damn, some zen-minded cowgirl, trying to do her best with what she was given. I really think the Dalai Lama said it best: "My religion is kindness."

Settling...

Settling - it can mean a gradual, undramatic coming to position, like dust gently travelling down a beam of light. It can also mean accepting less than what you

really want, and it can mean to find your place in a comfortable, harmonious way: like a "settling in for a long winter's nap" kind of goodness! As I juggle various interests, passions, demands, dreams, aspirations and possibilities all within the daily time constraints, I find myself considering and re-considering the idea of settling.

Yesterday, I had one of those red letter energy days, but with a difference - I felt like the day was driving me, versus me being the master of the golden chariot! It was a double birthday in my home - my oldest daughter and her daddy share the same birth date. And birthdays for my kids mean Belgian waffles with whipped cream and fruit, and some other traditions, such as a pot latch of presents and a family dinner. All good stuff, but at 4:30 p.m., I was dressed for dinner at a local restaurant and suddenly it hit me - game over.

I felt this general unease envelop me, a low level anxiety and feeling of malaise that I could not quite pin point, nor fully analyze. "Am I dying? Is this it? What should I do? What if I drop in front of my eleven-year old son who worships his Mumma?" There was some intermittent pain, in my diaphragm and to the right side of my upper rib cage, and a weird sensation in my left ear - a slight buzz, maybe?

Regret over missed work outs and junk food forays came to mind next, in those brief moments where I tried to feel my heart through my sweater and evaluate if my breathing was normal - why couldn't I always make the right choice, the perfect choice? Maybe I deserve to die. Was this what indigestion feels like - like a big air bubble in your heart that could pop at any minute? Or is this what it feels like to expire, heart stuttering to an exhausted stop, without fulfilling your destiny? OR... is this uninspiring, mediocre life exit in itself - is THIS the lesson?

Well, it appears that whatever that was, I am here - likely an anxiety attack, launched from within without conscious awareness of the onset or possible triggers. It was another silent battle that I fought and won (for the moment) while life's festivities carried on, Mardi Gras style.

And what comes next? Settling. Settling into a place of comfort, harmony and purpose - settling with action in place to carry me forward. Painting, writing, music, laughter, art, people, animals, nature, food, and love, love, love, love, LOVE. All worthy of living for, all worthy of settling into.

Transforming Transformation

Early morning lends itself to intropsection and reflection. On this particularly peaceful morning, I am thinking back upon 2011, and I am feeling especially grateful for the many experiences enjoyed and lessons learned.

Some times in our lives are just so full - the content forming, contantly changing and billowing over, faster than we can take it all in! It takes tremendous focus and energy to grab onto what we can and really be present in a particular experience or situation.

If, like me, you have many personal and business interests and many competing demands upon your allotment of daily hours, you will appreciate the angst that can brew to the surface during these highly productive, fast-paced life moments.

Every year, a word comes to me as the old year wanes away - for 2011 the word was EMERGENCE. What was I emerging from? From time to time throughout the year, I was doubtful of my muse! However, as events and opportunities and disappointments all unfolded, I began to see that I was emerging from self-doubt and inertia and reconnecting with my truest self and her dreams. The result, as I look back, is a remarkable free-flowing creation that is my unique interface with this lifetime.

So, on the cusp of a new year, I eagerly await the next gentle nudge that the from the universe - I feel so fortunate and so joyful. I know she will not disappoint me, if I only attune myself to her cues.

To Thine Own Self

The past two years have been very hectic - not without joy, delight or accomplishment, but with little room just to be, just to exist. I think creative folks just need that down time - the mind and body seldom rest from purposeful processes and analyses.

My Mom used to say that once you have kids the fast forward switch goes on - one day you look in the mirror and the lines and grey hairs are there and you just think, what the...???

I often wonder if there is something scientific behind my Mom's prediction ? As my kids grow and become increasingly independent, I keep expecting to be able to draw on a little more of that precious life-affirming juice, aka "down-time", but it seems like the reverse is true! Am I overly conscientious? Do I need to be more assertive at home and in the work world? Where is the time going (really; truly) - I feel too busy, to involved to really take stock and the self-bank of me-ness is running low and lower!

Recently, I asked a group of adult learners to list their top ten strengths - referring, of course, to personal attributes that they could draw upon for the creation of a resume and during job interviews. Most could only list three to five, and this dismal response and disconnection from self awareness and potential was just so discouraging. Then I remembered a pearl of wisdom I once heard - that we are frustrated most by shortcomings we also share.

Although I am not in the market for a new career, I also began to think that maybe I was losing touch with my own strengths - I always maintain that a person should keep an up-to-date CV, cover letter template and references at hand, as a way of remembering all you are and all that you have to offer the world. It is so easy to become lost in the busy-ness of daily life and to forget the intricate richness with which we are each blessed.

I began the list and it flowed fast and easily...

COMPASSIONATE
ANALYTICAL
CREATIVE
ETHICAL
PASSIONATE
ARTISTIC
MUSICAL
ARTICULATE
LOVING
POSITIVE
ATHLETIC
APPRECIATIVE
HUMOUROUS
FORGIVING
LOYAL
HARD-WORKING
RESULTS -ORIENTED
JOYFUL
KIND
RESOURCEFUL
CARING
RESPONSIVE
ACCURATE
LIFE-LONG LEARNER
COMMITTED
VISIONARY
BIG-PICTURE THINKER
HUMANITARIAN
MENTOR
VOLUNTEER
LEADER
TEAM MEMBER
CAREFUL

Last week I also entered four of my colour photos in a National Geographic photo contest - a small thing, yes, but significant to me. Although I majored in photography in university, my recent years have consisted of mostly "Mom shots" of my three kids. Of the four images chosen, my favourite is featured in this entry - the dragonfly photo that I call "Backyard Angel".

I remember how that dragonfly patiently posed for me on the weathered fence boards. I was fascinated by the blues and greens of his steely armoured plates, and how, up close, the delicate wings looked like ornate wrought iron railings. I think also, that at my best, I relate to the dragonfly - buzzing purposefully, efficient and sturdy; a profound asset in my chosen environment.

But at times, when my fuel tank feels low and I lose sight of my talent and abilities, I envy the dragonfly's freedom - it's time to dust off, time to use my wings; time to soar... I was made to soar.

Mission Possible

Sometimes life has a way of knocking the stuffing out of a person - I know what it means to feel small, insignificant; powerless. But then sometimes people or events remind me that I have a purpose, that I have value, and that I can achieve many things through persistence and effort.

Yesterday I was reminded of the fragility and beauty of life - I am thankful for the nudge. I thought I would be at a gallery show opening, but I spent several hours at a hospital with friends instead, saying good bye to a gravely ill family member. Funny, how tight the curve can be some days - whipping us around and setting in motion a completely different turn of events! And although I could never have imagined my day unfolding as it did, I am absolutely certain that is where I was intended to be, for reasons known and unknown.

Humble, grateful; joyful at the altar
I sip the bitter nectar of this hour.
Wedded to thee, soul to soul
Tethered to eternal light
Amid the sweetness of
Spring blossoms.