Gifts

By Pam Hadder

"Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us" - Albert Schweitzer

It's been a long haul, but as convocation draws near I find myself pondering the meaning of it all - beyond the coursework, content and theories; what did I really learn?  It is said that no one can steal from us the things that we commit to memory, but I also recognize that those things we cherish the most are much more than any factual knowledge!  Larger themes have bloomed and overlapped: indigeneity, human history and the power of inter-connection - transporting me to vistas I could not have imagined.  

I have been thinking about a friend's remarks on higher learning.  I congratulated her on pursuing her masters degree and she said that the more she learns, the more she realizes how much she doesn't know! As I prepare to celebrate my graduation, I feel the same sense of joy mingled with deep humility.  I am deeply grateful for the loyal few who encouraged me, and did not belittle my musing - their influence and support have been immeasurable gifts. My world is altered, perceptions heightened, and I have the tools to address any impediments that cross my path.  However, I recognize the necessity of continual learning, and I am eager to pursue new academic goals.

Learning is often taken for granted, but it is a privilege to which not every person has easy access - I faced many barriers; without the support of others I could never have been successful.  Even within my program I faced constant challenges - for example, required electives which seemed irrelevant and that terrified me: "I can't believe I have to take this course - oh my God, this is way out of my league!" Interestingly, it was these "tough nuts" that left the deepest impact. Additionally, by overcoming my fears and objections, I began to recognize that beyond any external factors, my greatest limitations were self-imposed! Ultimately, however, the things I resisted the most became my treasure chest and my fortress, reshaping my self-view, inspiring my heart, and replacing voids with bridges to hope and increased understanding. Looking back on my childhood and young adult years, I can now see how I have allowed naysayers to destroy my aspirations. 

This time of learning has breathed new life into me, and has firmly nudged me back on my path. I know that I want to keep on learning. I know there are more obstacles than scholarships. And most of all I know that I have value, purpose, a place, and a voice - I want to make the most of every day that I am given. Each day is a sacred gift that is beyond value; infinitely precious, and all of the people we interact with, the choices we make influence outcomes far greater than ourselves. Looking out my window at a bleak, grey sky, I don't see hopelessness any more - I think of this Earth, its beauty and its people. I imagine the potential and happy tears well - oh, my feet are restless!

A Full Moon

By Pam Hadder

The moon was full a few nights ago - I was driving down the highway and it lay ahead of me, resting on the dusky horizon like an immense, glowing, orange egg.  Gazing at it with wonder and humility, and feeling particularly small and yet honored by this audience, I half-expected something supernatural to happen - like a giant cosmic butterfly emerging from that glorious pod, or a crackling of meteorite fireworks across the sky vault!  That spectacular sight has defined my final hours of 2012 - I am thankful that I can replay the video clip in my mind, because my iPhone camera certainly had no hope of capturing the moon's incredible beauty.  I didn't even try - it was crazy, amazing; gorgeous - a living dream.

The moon was still large and silver-bright this morning when my dual-alarms woke me from a heavy sleep - albeit with some wear on her right cheek, like some amorous giant besmirched  her flawless beauty with clumsy maneuvering.  In the midst of great busy-ness and commotion that makes up a typical day, I have been meditating upon that great and glorious pearl in the sky and wondering about 2013 and what this new year will bring.

Typically, as the year wraps up, a word comes to me that serves as my guide, my mantra, my focus for the year ahead.  This year has been so full, so over-run with words, emotion, art, activity, and I find myself serene, hovering in the centre of a maelstrom, but without a word of my own.  Perhaps the message is in the sky, in the moon, in her strength and unparalleled beauty. She who we take for granted, grows full, wanes and rises anew with new brilliance - She who pulls the great oceans of the Earth, mastering the tides and affecting the patterns of life.

Ah, there it is - the word, hidden in the shadow of a moonbeam - ATTUNEMENT. The meaning is immediately understood.  Attunement is about stopping to break away from man-made patterns and connecting to the natural rhythmic ways which we take for granted but which are essential to our lives.

Here at midday, I feel the cool white slip of the moon across my skin; up my shoulder, to my face - the gentle, guiding touch of a Mother's soft hand.  She is affirming my choice as I look skyward to the arrival of the new year.

Learning Curves

By Pam Hadder


Like one tiny puff of cloud in an otherwise empty sky, our ideas and dreams are born, and we witness them grow and change, or perhaps dissipate,  unacknowledged.  With music, sometimes there is a riff that comes to us and ingratiates itself -- hinting or even demanding that we give it some attention. As with any creative gift, we need to pay heed or risk losing the opportunity.

Poetry, lyrics, painting, and even work-based solutions all can be experienced in this way - have you ever sat in a brain storming session of any kind and it felt was impossible; a complete waste of time - coffee growing colder; you can hear the stomach gurgles and eyelid blinks?

Although I have always known that creativity can't be forced -- my life repeatedly affirms this theory! Humankind imagines that it is very clever, and, granted, we are all moderately so.  But what I have learned, and what continues to be reinforced for me, is that these tiny inspirations and seemingly silly notions are a great gift.  Our task is to attune ourselves to them, and take them and apply them - the universe is nudging us to write our prose, capture the imagery or add lyrics to the melody.  And... this is not hard work or torture - we need only submit ourselves with openness to the possibilities; it's as natural to us all as breathing.

Of course, there are so many things we can't control - and that can be a scary thought.  However, what we can control is our environment and how we respond to it - the climate for productivity differs for each of us, and we need to explore and be comfortable with our own unique situation.  Have you known people who can never be alone or in complete silence?  There is nothing wrong with that; perhaps it's torture for them!  Or those that need complete silence to "think" - every pin-drop is like a ogre's heavy foot step?  Most of us are likely somewhere in between; or we vacillate between needs for stimulation and repose.

Most of all, regardless of our ideals for living, we need to be open - open to newness, to previously unseen possibilities, to learning; to stepping outside our carefully constructed boundaries.

Why not take those little clouds and shape them with your time and talent.

Tough Choices

By Pam Hadder
Choice - it is a word brimming with tension, controversy and optimistic anticipation. It makes our heart perk up a bit when we are given a choice, but the initial excitement can be dampened by "what if." What if we choose this over that; what if we make the wrong choice?


Each choice "cocktail" is hounded by potentially nasty chaser words like commitment and regret, often because we tend to weigh and measure our choices using systems owned by other people in our lives - both intimate personal connections and more distant, societal ties. Choice can mean freedom and affirmation of our dearest life values, or it can be muddied by the recriminations and disapproval of others who may not support our selections.


We've all heard those words, "Choose wisely!" And for those of you with families, you may have employed the choice trap with your kids - that is, offering up two or more choices to your little ones, with the clever trick being that all choices align with your parental master plan! So, let's face it, choosing is fraught with pot holes and petunias - an exasperating, joyful tug of war with fear and glory!


But we still all make choices every day - the little ones that seem inconsequential, and the big ones that we may have stewed over for days, months or years before finally succumbing - too often, out of pure exhaustion. So how can be offload the garbage, the guilt, the doubt and simply enjoy the freedom of having options in life?


Choose for YOU - trust your heart; your instinct. At the end of the day, all you have is you. The only action you can truly control is your own. Choose for you, and every choice will impart personal harmony and, over time, wisdom.

Settling...

Settling - it can mean a gradual, undramatic coming to position, like dust gently travelling down a beam of light. It can also mean accepting less than what you

really want, and it can mean to find your place in a comfortable, harmonious way: like a "settling in for a long winter's nap" kind of goodness! As I juggle various interests, passions, demands, dreams, aspirations and possibilities all within the daily time constraints, I find myself considering and re-considering the idea of settling.

Yesterday, I had one of those red letter energy days, but with a difference - I felt like the day was driving me, versus me being the master of the golden chariot! It was a double birthday in my home - my oldest daughter and her daddy share the same birth date. And birthdays for my kids mean Belgian waffles with whipped cream and fruit, and some other traditions, such as a pot latch of presents and a family dinner. All good stuff, but at 4:30 p.m., I was dressed for dinner at a local restaurant and suddenly it hit me - game over.

I felt this general unease envelop me, a low level anxiety and feeling of malaise that I could not quite pin point, nor fully analyze. "Am I dying? Is this it? What should I do? What if I drop in front of my eleven-year old son who worships his Mumma?" There was some intermittent pain, in my diaphragm and to the right side of my upper rib cage, and a weird sensation in my left ear - a slight buzz, maybe?

Regret over missed work outs and junk food forays came to mind next, in those brief moments where I tried to feel my heart through my sweater and evaluate if my breathing was normal - why couldn't I always make the right choice, the perfect choice? Maybe I deserve to die. Was this what indigestion feels like - like a big air bubble in your heart that could pop at any minute? Or is this what it feels like to expire, heart stuttering to an exhausted stop, without fulfilling your destiny? OR... is this uninspiring, mediocre life exit in itself - is THIS the lesson?

Well, it appears that whatever that was, I am here - likely an anxiety attack, launched from within without conscious awareness of the onset or possible triggers. It was another silent battle that I fought and won (for the moment) while life's festivities carried on, Mardi Gras style.

And what comes next? Settling. Settling into a place of comfort, harmony and purpose - settling with action in place to carry me forward. Painting, writing, music, laughter, art, people, animals, nature, food, and love, love, love, love, LOVE. All worthy of living for, all worthy of settling into.

And the Word is...

We made it! The passing of one year and the birth of the next - for some, a joyful passage; a celebration, and for others it was somewhat wistful, or coloured by complex, mixed emotions.

Whatever your experience, the ability lies within each of us to make the most of the time we have, using our unique gifts and interests, and with the intention set to enjoy what we do on our terms.

As 2011 wrapped up, I was filled with a sense of refined anticipation - not the wild enthusiasm of child, but more a knowing, well-arranged prescience of many good things to come. This feeling was paired with a sense of stepping out in faith toward goals and yearnings, but with the knowledge of imminent success - thus, without fear or anxiety, knowing the safety net was in place and secure.

After a couple of years of uncertainty and turbulence, there is a gentle settling of matters - this has eased up to me so gently and slowly, and yet with persistent progress. With each step forward, I was looking back over my shoulder - should I trust this promise of peace, prosperity and affirmation of purpose?

Well, why not? Why not trust in instinct for good, for abundance and for personal fulfilment? I am going to go with it, and stifle any anxiety with celebration. Like icy champagne exploding from its vessel and bubbling over into the expectant air - that is my vision for 2012. And so, at long last my muse, my meditation - the word is EBULLIENCE, and this year is rich with predestined accord and promise. Capture it, taste it, savour it - it is your birth right.

Hard 2 Love

Admit it, we all know them - those folks that make us feel like a cat having its coat stroked in the wrong direction. At best, we can accept we are just on a different page, and at worst we want to scream and rush from the room... or jump from a moving vehicle!

When I was ten or eleven years old, a woman from my church told me that "...some people are just hard to love!" I recall how I groaned inside, and thought, "Good grief - beam me up Scottie!" But recently, frustrated by general rudeness and self-centredness around me, I remembered her words.

A light turned on inside of me - not a brilliant starburst, just a dull glow, like a kid's comforting night light :) But I got it - or at least I was able to recall her message, and I found something that I could both live with, and live within!

Those hard to love people... they are missing something that we have an ability to share with them, and they need our love more than they know or can appreciate. Think of it like a vitamin deficiency - if it is serious enough, a doctor will recommend a treatment plan; perhaps injections, or high doses of pharmaceutical grade supplements.

We should give our goodness and our love freely and without discrimination, not because we will feel better, and not so that we will be rewarded in any way - and it won't necessarily make us like those hard to love folks more! We should give with love because we have been blessed with the ability and means to do so, just like a Doctor has the training and ability to facilitate physical healing.

Also, I am wondering if when I feel that revulsion and resistance with others, if I have crossed over to some awkward state where human contact is repugnant, or worse yet, where others find me unworthy of kindness and consideration.

Deep thoughts on a dark and rainy night...it appears that I have my work cut out for me!

To Thine Own Self

The past two years have been very hectic - not without joy, delight or accomplishment, but with little room just to be, just to exist. I think creative folks just need that down time - the mind and body seldom rest from purposeful processes and analyses.

My Mom used to say that once you have kids the fast forward switch goes on - one day you look in the mirror and the lines and grey hairs are there and you just think, what the...???

I often wonder if there is something scientific behind my Mom's prediction ? As my kids grow and become increasingly independent, I keep expecting to be able to draw on a little more of that precious life-affirming juice, aka "down-time", but it seems like the reverse is true! Am I overly conscientious? Do I need to be more assertive at home and in the work world? Where is the time going (really; truly) - I feel too busy, to involved to really take stock and the self-bank of me-ness is running low and lower!

Recently, I asked a group of adult learners to list their top ten strengths - referring, of course, to personal attributes that they could draw upon for the creation of a resume and during job interviews. Most could only list three to five, and this dismal response and disconnection from self awareness and potential was just so discouraging. Then I remembered a pearl of wisdom I once heard - that we are frustrated most by shortcomings we also share.

Although I am not in the market for a new career, I also began to think that maybe I was losing touch with my own strengths - I always maintain that a person should keep an up-to-date CV, cover letter template and references at hand, as a way of remembering all you are and all that you have to offer the world. It is so easy to become lost in the busy-ness of daily life and to forget the intricate richness with which we are each blessed.

I began the list and it flowed fast and easily...

COMPASSIONATE
ANALYTICAL
CREATIVE
ETHICAL
PASSIONATE
ARTISTIC
MUSICAL
ARTICULATE
LOVING
POSITIVE
ATHLETIC
APPRECIATIVE
HUMOUROUS
FORGIVING
LOYAL
HARD-WORKING
RESULTS -ORIENTED
JOYFUL
KIND
RESOURCEFUL
CARING
RESPONSIVE
ACCURATE
LIFE-LONG LEARNER
COMMITTED
VISIONARY
BIG-PICTURE THINKER
HUMANITARIAN
MENTOR
VOLUNTEER
LEADER
TEAM MEMBER
CAREFUL

Last week I also entered four of my colour photos in a National Geographic photo contest - a small thing, yes, but significant to me. Although I majored in photography in university, my recent years have consisted of mostly "Mom shots" of my three kids. Of the four images chosen, my favourite is featured in this entry - the dragonfly photo that I call "Backyard Angel".

I remember how that dragonfly patiently posed for me on the weathered fence boards. I was fascinated by the blues and greens of his steely armoured plates, and how, up close, the delicate wings looked like ornate wrought iron railings. I think also, that at my best, I relate to the dragonfly - buzzing purposefully, efficient and sturdy; a profound asset in my chosen environment.

But at times, when my fuel tank feels low and I lose sight of my talent and abilities, I envy the dragonfly's freedom - it's time to dust off, time to use my wings; time to soar... I was made to soar.

Four Strings

When most people think of banjo and they think BLUEGRASS - well there's much more to it. Until the electric guitar became such a big part of ensemble music, the four-string tenor banjo's rich tones were integral to jazz music.

My thrill of the week (maybe the month, the year???) was having my friend un-case her banjo (yes, four-string tenor) yesterday and play a few licks. Ain't She Sweet and Bye Bye Blues - sweet indeed and blue no longer - OMG!

The kicker... I got to add a little paint to her 70s banjo case - complete with Hang Ten style feet and daisies, I kept her young girl art intact and touched up a bit of the colour, adding in a few more flowers. Love when music, art and summer all meld together - heaven piercing thru the mundane day to let us know what really matters xo! BTW... Photos are details of a visual journal portrait I did for The Bird - play on, Girl, your talent is a spectacular gift.

Meaghan XO!

Enter Meaghan McCarthy - the five-year-old Toronto kid that just wants to go to school, see her buddies and play - without breaking her fragile bones. This little sweetheart is battling a rare form of cancer, and her story was featured recently in the Globe and Mail.

The happy face smiling at me from the page touched my heart - her paper crown covered in crayon hearts tilted back on tousled blonde hair. Her story traveled straight to my core being- that special, eternal place in each of us that makes us give a damn.

I clipped the newspaper photo and keep it near my work computer so that I am reminded to send healing energy to that dear child and her family.

Although I am much older, and corrupted with the cynicism of my years, I still relate to Meaghan and her dreams. Like her, I just want to get out there and enjoy the day!

As you go about your busy-ness, should you be so lucky as to capture a sunbeam (or two!), please remember to share xo!

20 Reasons I Suck

You might as well know it - I am the original all-day sucker! Yeah, for starters, I generally wake up all bright and shiny and absolutely oblivious to the licking I am going to get each day!

Some days I just let all the drivel and drool roll down my slightly rounded shoulders - ah, the beauty of my design; form following function; blah, blah, blah.

To add to my plight, I am one of those 70s suckers with the Happy Face on it - it goes through all of the layers of my composition, so there is no escaping that daffy grin.

Today I just was ready to get in my car, drive it 'til the gas was gone and then start walking, like Forrest Gump. No beard to grow, but in time I am sure the shins would get some impressive fuzz happenin'.

I just feel like I am forever hitting the wall, missing the mark and failing at everything and with everyone I know - and then I have this stupid happy, chirpy thing going on, like a car with something shaking loose under the hood that no one can quite figure out, and even if I am dying, crying, melting, screaming, absolutely tortured half outta my mind, no one seems to notice anything but how stupid and incomplete and wrong I am. They just count on Sweet 'n Smiley to keep haulin' ass - right in the opposite direction.

So today I needed to get away and reflect on my situation. What if I just disappeared, what would happen? A few tears - dutiful ones from the adult daughters who really don't know what to make of their Momma. Real ones from my Son, who loves routine and I think really loves The Big Sucker a.k.a. His Mother. More dutiful tears from a handful of close friends - but in private they'd say, "Knew she was different..." And of course my own tears (I started early, btw... and told myself I was just practicing!) - my tears at being born such a big sucker! That would be about it and life goes on. Hardly worth my effort to disappear.

Bottom line - I am different, awkward, broken up a bit; that odd coloured sucker that someone buys because it is marked down and they are short on cash. I have never been quite the right Lolly for the job - too young, too old, too fat, too stupid, too shy, too loud, too religious, not religious enough, too geeky, too wordy, too dutiful, too ugly, too short, too tall, too many questions, too punctual, too white, too curious, too happy -- yes, way too happy and world really doesn't like happy because it creates tension; stretchy, smiley tension.

So I guess I will be sticking around, smiling (no choice, remember?). And that's at least 21 reasons - my rough count. Did I count wrong? Oh, sorry...