Soul-full

By Pam Hadder

We are in that mysterious twilight time in the Canadian north - near the cusp of the winter solstice, we witness the slow degradation of day light, replaced by a familiar half-dream time that nestles between now and then.  My body responds by demanding more sleep, a slower pace, intermittent bursts of citrus-bright colour, and/or more caffeine. Canadians frequently joke about hibernation, but modern demands for working folks push toward the opposite: we fight the natural rhythms of the human body to slow down in winter.  And so my conflicted heart waxes toward the heavens, surveys the subtleties of colour, and gravitates inward to float in the dream-time place, soothed and sustained by the compelling poetry of words and sound.

I am always excited for the winter solstice – it brings us closer to the season of lights, Christmas, Kwanzaa and other holiday experiences that reinforce togetherness, cultural resilience and appreciation of our place within this living miracle. But more than this, the solstice means we are one day closer to spring!  By the end of January, the days are noticeably longer, and I feel a surge of anticipatory energy.  It is always this time of year that I receive my focus or mantra for the year ahead.  Most of the time, it just comes to me and I know immediately that it is true and meaningful.

This year is different – the interference from without seems larger,  and my personal insights are more soft-focus, nebulous, and  yet imposing like a great, old tree that I can’t quite wrap my arms around no matter how hard I try!  I feel like the messages are there, but I am not quite connecting.  My sleeping dreams have been varied and bizarre – no help there!  A few nights past I dreamed of incredible Hanukkah/Holocaust themed installations in a gallery.  An ash-grey room sparkled with fine glitter like ground marcasite, and here and there were bright jewel bits on the walls – looking closer I saw the bas-relief of Jewish family life.  It was both eerie and beautiful – it spoke to me of the survival of beauty, family and tradition amid great evil and opposition.  Another night I dreamed of wildly challenging outdoor escapades with my dearest friend, waking exhausted and questioning, “What was THAT about?” And on another occasion I was engrossed in mundane filing, sorting and admin work – a little too “widget factory” to relate to my working reality, and therefore simply crazy!  I imagine my brain doing a disk clean up and file dump – like “clean out the fridge” suppers I have been known to make for my children; it’s just doing what it can with what it has on hand!

And so I wait, expectant, hopeful, humble – maybe my mantra is merely to question or to dream?

A Full Moon

By Pam Hadder

The moon was full a few nights ago - I was driving down the highway and it lay ahead of me, resting on the dusky horizon like an immense, glowing, orange egg.  Gazing at it with wonder and humility, and feeling particularly small and yet honored by this audience, I half-expected something supernatural to happen - like a giant cosmic butterfly emerging from that glorious pod, or a crackling of meteorite fireworks across the sky vault!  That spectacular sight has defined my final hours of 2012 - I am thankful that I can replay the video clip in my mind, because my iPhone camera certainly had no hope of capturing the moon's incredible beauty.  I didn't even try - it was crazy, amazing; gorgeous - a living dream.

The moon was still large and silver-bright this morning when my dual-alarms woke me from a heavy sleep - albeit with some wear on her right cheek, like some amorous giant besmirched  her flawless beauty with clumsy maneuvering.  In the midst of great busy-ness and commotion that makes up a typical day, I have been meditating upon that great and glorious pearl in the sky and wondering about 2013 and what this new year will bring.

Typically, as the year wraps up, a word comes to me that serves as my guide, my mantra, my focus for the year ahead.  This year has been so full, so over-run with words, emotion, art, activity, and I find myself serene, hovering in the centre of a maelstrom, but without a word of my own.  Perhaps the message is in the sky, in the moon, in her strength and unparalleled beauty. She who we take for granted, grows full, wanes and rises anew with new brilliance - She who pulls the great oceans of the Earth, mastering the tides and affecting the patterns of life.

Ah, there it is - the word, hidden in the shadow of a moonbeam - ATTUNEMENT. The meaning is immediately understood.  Attunement is about stopping to break away from man-made patterns and connecting to the natural rhythmic ways which we take for granted but which are essential to our lives.

Here at midday, I feel the cool white slip of the moon across my skin; up my shoulder, to my face - the gentle, guiding touch of a Mother's soft hand.  She is affirming my choice as I look skyward to the arrival of the new year.

Settling...

Settling - it can mean a gradual, undramatic coming to position, like dust gently travelling down a beam of light. It can also mean accepting less than what you

really want, and it can mean to find your place in a comfortable, harmonious way: like a "settling in for a long winter's nap" kind of goodness! As I juggle various interests, passions, demands, dreams, aspirations and possibilities all within the daily time constraints, I find myself considering and re-considering the idea of settling.

Yesterday, I had one of those red letter energy days, but with a difference - I felt like the day was driving me, versus me being the master of the golden chariot! It was a double birthday in my home - my oldest daughter and her daddy share the same birth date. And birthdays for my kids mean Belgian waffles with whipped cream and fruit, and some other traditions, such as a pot latch of presents and a family dinner. All good stuff, but at 4:30 p.m., I was dressed for dinner at a local restaurant and suddenly it hit me - game over.

I felt this general unease envelop me, a low level anxiety and feeling of malaise that I could not quite pin point, nor fully analyze. "Am I dying? Is this it? What should I do? What if I drop in front of my eleven-year old son who worships his Mumma?" There was some intermittent pain, in my diaphragm and to the right side of my upper rib cage, and a weird sensation in my left ear - a slight buzz, maybe?

Regret over missed work outs and junk food forays came to mind next, in those brief moments where I tried to feel my heart through my sweater and evaluate if my breathing was normal - why couldn't I always make the right choice, the perfect choice? Maybe I deserve to die. Was this what indigestion feels like - like a big air bubble in your heart that could pop at any minute? Or is this what it feels like to expire, heart stuttering to an exhausted stop, without fulfilling your destiny? OR... is this uninspiring, mediocre life exit in itself - is THIS the lesson?

Well, it appears that whatever that was, I am here - likely an anxiety attack, launched from within without conscious awareness of the onset or possible triggers. It was another silent battle that I fought and won (for the moment) while life's festivities carried on, Mardi Gras style.

And what comes next? Settling. Settling into a place of comfort, harmony and purpose - settling with action in place to carry me forward. Painting, writing, music, laughter, art, people, animals, nature, food, and love, love, love, love, LOVE. All worthy of living for, all worthy of settling into.

Transforming Transformation

Early morning lends itself to intropsection and reflection. On this particularly peaceful morning, I am thinking back upon 2011, and I am feeling especially grateful for the many experiences enjoyed and lessons learned.

Some times in our lives are just so full - the content forming, contantly changing and billowing over, faster than we can take it all in! It takes tremendous focus and energy to grab onto what we can and really be present in a particular experience or situation.

If, like me, you have many personal and business interests and many competing demands upon your allotment of daily hours, you will appreciate the angst that can brew to the surface during these highly productive, fast-paced life moments.

Every year, a word comes to me as the old year wanes away - for 2011 the word was EMERGENCE. What was I emerging from? From time to time throughout the year, I was doubtful of my muse! However, as events and opportunities and disappointments all unfolded, I began to see that I was emerging from self-doubt and inertia and reconnecting with my truest self and her dreams. The result, as I look back, is a remarkable free-flowing creation that is my unique interface with this lifetime.

So, on the cusp of a new year, I eagerly await the next gentle nudge that the from the universe - I feel so fortunate and so joyful. I know she will not disappoint me, if I only attune myself to her cues.

Mission Possible

Sometimes life has a way of knocking the stuffing out of a person - I know what it means to feel small, insignificant; powerless. But then sometimes people or events remind me that I have a purpose, that I have value, and that I can achieve many things through persistence and effort.

Yesterday I was reminded of the fragility and beauty of life - I am thankful for the nudge. I thought I would be at a gallery show opening, but I spent several hours at a hospital with friends instead, saying good bye to a gravely ill family member. Funny, how tight the curve can be some days - whipping us around and setting in motion a completely different turn of events! And although I could never have imagined my day unfolding as it did, I am absolutely certain that is where I was intended to be, for reasons known and unknown.

Humble, grateful; joyful at the altar
I sip the bitter nectar of this hour.
Wedded to thee, soul to soul
Tethered to eternal light
Amid the sweetness of
Spring blossoms.